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Anti-Bullying Resource Library - Respect U.

Bullying FAQs

Frequently Asked Questions—With Answers by Dr. Joel Haber

Section 1: Understanding the definitions and parameters of bullying
Section 2: Who are the bullies and what makes them that way?
Section 3: Who are the victims and what makes them targets?
Section 4: What is the bystander group all about?
Section 5: Strategies for success and failure
Section 6: Whole school approach

Section 1: Understanding the definitions and parameters of bullying

Q: What is bullying?
A: Bullying is when one or more children (bully/bullies) target a single child (the victim) and use behavior that has the intention to hurt that child. The bully must:

  • have power over the victim
  • have intent to harm the victim through this power, and
  • threaten and target the victim over time

A bully can use this power to physically hurt others, verbally taunt, tease, gossip or use this power to exclude others and socially isolate a victim. In elementary schools for example, "birthday party exclusion" can be a painful bullying weapon.

Q: Is sibling rivalry a type of bullying?
A: No, sibling rivalry is a normal childhood behavior as is the fighting between siblings who compete for the same thing (i.e., toy). Bullying is an anti-social act which is not part of normal behavior. Bullying is not a one time incident of anger against another over a specific issue.

Q: Where is bullying observed?
A: Bullying is mainly seen in schools, summer camps, or sports fields when children who want to hurt others feel safe to dominate; and in the workplace when adults use their power to hurt others. It is also now seen with greater frequency on the Internet.

Q: If bullying is so frequent in schools, why don't teachers see it?
A: Bullying statistics vary, but it is safe to say that about 1 in 5 children are either bullies or exposed to bullying frequently. Remember, though, that bullying happens when power can be used by a bully. Bullies are smart and do not act out in front of a more powerful source: the teachers. Bullying occurs in places where supervision is lenient: playground, cafeteria, hallways, bathrooms and the school bus. Bullying continues because the power that the bullies manifest frightens others from reporting it.

Q: Are there differences in the kinds of bullying between boys & girls?
A: Direct bullying is more likely done by boys (girls are doing it more now than ever before) and involves physically threatening or attacking behaviors (pushing, hitting, and kicking). It can also involve other direct face-to-face threatening behaviors such as taunting, stealing a meaningful item, and humiliating a victim in front of others. Indirect bullying is more subtle, but no less painful. Cliques that exclude, gossip about a victim, or spread malicious rumors are all examples of indirect bullying. This is more frequently used by girls and harder to identify.

Section 2: Who are the bullies and what makes them that way?

Q: What characteristics make up a bully?
A: The most difficult issue I speak with parents about has to do with what makes a child turn into a bully. An aggressive temperament may play a role. However, the difficult concept to understand is that children are taught to be bullies. Bullies have certain things in common: they like to dominate others to get what they want; they lack empathy and concern for others and hurt others when adults are not around; they refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and blame others for the reasons they use aggression; and, they look to dominate more vulnerable children, who they see as less than themselves in some way.

Q: Could anger make someone bully?
A: Anger may be a trigger for a bully attack, but bullying is not about anger or disagreement with someone else. Bullying is about a severe dislike towards others who are seen as less valuable, inferior or not worthy of liking or respect.

Q: When children bully do they know they are being mean?
A: Children who bully do so because they think they want to be cooler, more important, or popular with their peers and being mean affords them this. They receive status from bullying, especially when others do not stop it. They may feel that the victim deserved the bullying which justifies their own rationalization of the bullying. This justification is reinforced if adults don't deal with bullying behavior consistently and strongly, and other peers do nothing to change the outcome.

Q: Are bullies just less smart, and that is why they may do this?
A: Research has shown that bullies are not less smart at all, and in fact, may possess above-average intelligence, social skills and leadership.

Section 3: Who are the victims and what makes them targets?

Q: What makes a child a victim?
A: Victims must show something to a bully to make them a target. This something is usually some "vulnerability". All children can be potential targets to a bully, but how this vulnerability plays out will either stop the attack or contribute to making them a victim. For example, a child who stands up to a bully, or jokes with them or doesn't back down passively can move a bully to another potential target. If on the other hand, a child reacts with fear, or greater distress, the potential target may feel more vulnerable, signaling greater power to the bully and a further likelihood of another attack. A pattern of a weakening victim becoming less strong, and a bully becoming stronger, is a mix that is ripe for further victimization.

Q: Are there any markers of this "vulnerability?"
A: A couple of indicators are now known to show this vulnerability. One is the absence of friends and the lack of social support to stand up to bullying. The other is a victim's lack of social skills that a bully can exploit, and draw negative attention toward, while enjoying the feeling of his/her own power at the expense of another.

Q: How bad can a victim feel?
A: In the short-term, victims may avoid school, be concerned with attacks during their learning time, avoid others and cover up. There are many long term consequences for victims who are not helped along the way. Besides social skills and relationship problems, lack of confidence, lower self-esteem and a greater incidence of academic problems due to bullying, these children may believe they are responsible for these attacks which can further undermine their self-esteem and belief that they are not worthy of friends.

Section 4: What is the bystander group all about?

Q: Why is the bystander group so important?
A: In almost 85% of bully situations, there are those children who have a role by how they watch and react to bullying. If children stand idly on the sidelines of a bully situation and do nothing, there is an implicit acceptance of the bullying, because of their lack of action against it. When children watch these actions, they more likely will support the bully against the victim by laughing, encouraging, not reporting and allowing the victim to be bullied. Many bystanders will not intercede for fear of their own identification with the victim and the fear of being bullied themselves. The bystander may be afraid of making the bully situation worse if they intervene, but the most likely issue is that bystanders do not know what to do. Over time, bystanders justify their lack of involvement by believing that the victim brought the bullying on and deserved it.

Section 5: Strategies for success and failure

Q: What if we work with the victims to train them to act differently. For example, ignoring bullying, pretending they are not bothered by it, blending in, being more assertive, or moving them to another class?
A: We cannot displace our own responsibility from ourselves to victims and ask them to manage this problem on their own. This can only increase the victim's sense of failure, and misses the bigger issue. No one approach can work in isolation, no matter how good our intentions may be. Victims need the help of caring adults and caring children who see that they can be a part of doing "the right thing" which is to help victims in some way.

Q: With all these issues you describe, how can we deal with bullying?
A: Fortunately, bullying can be managed as part of a comprehensive intervention in a coordinated setting. Schools are ideal places to manage bullying when coordinated efforts can be put in place from the top down. Schools must be willing to make bullying a priority. Once this occurs, the whole school community can be instrumental in reducing bullying. This is also true in camps where the same kinds of issues can be seen. I'll never forget the experience of a teacher in a school I worked with who was totally involved in the anti-bully concept prior to my coming into the school. He would work closely with his class; do all the right things in regard to character education, and anti-bully strategies. However, as soon as his kids hit recess, they were no different from the rest and bullied others as much as children who did not receive training. Only when a comprehensive whole school approach was taken, did his students begin to make the kind of changes that he had hoped for.

Section 6: Whole school approach

Q: What does a comprehensive approach involve?
A: A school community is made up of the principal, administrators, teachers, aides, other staff, parents and students. All members of the community need training in order to understand the parameters of bullying and how to identify it, understand where and how it can occur, and most importantly understand the keys to managing it.

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