The Anti-Bully Blog Dr. Joel Haber Anti-Bullying Expert, Speaker & Counselor

9Mar/120

Anti-Bullying Movie Comes to Theaters

I am proud to announce that I am an advisor to The Bully Project and the new movie “Bully”. This movie will be a real eye opener to those who do not think bullying exists or is a problem.

Please watch!

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29Feb/120

The Bully, Victim and Parent roles in Modeling Bullying Behavior

Q: Do Parents influence whether children become bullies?

A: How bullying behavior develops is a complicated issue because of the multitude of factors that can contribute to its development. The media, cultural issues, temperament, as well as genetic influences probably play a role. However, parent styles and what parents’ model at home has a lot to do with the messages that children receive from adults. I often ask parents how conflict with their spouse is experienced by their children. Does one parent always win and does one parent always lose a battle? Does one parent always win by using strong authoritarian strategies? Children observe the way their parents fight, and will either identify with the winner or the loser. An aggressive child may see that winning through aggression will eventually get you what you want, whereas a child who may be passive may be intimidated and frightened by this aggression. This child may run away from aggression and identify with empathy, concern and compassion to the parent who is on the losing end of the conflict.

Q: Are there any parent styles that contribute to bullying in addition to how conflict is seen?

A: Parenting styles have much to do with how your child “learns to bully”. Parents who have very strict boundaries, and do not leave a lot of room for children to be themselves may encourage a child to get angry and rebel at different places outside of the home. These parents may not allow for children to develop caring and empathetic responses, which can further contribute to bullying behavior. These children may lack remorse for being aggressive because they experience this as normal behavior. Unfortunately, the combination of aggression and a lack of empathy can all be part of bullying.

Q: What other ways may I be contributing to my child’s development of bullying behavior?

A: Identifying our own parent styles and the way that we may be modeling bullying behavior in ourselves is the first step to changing this. Think about the hidden messages we give our children when we in our own lives as adults, gossip, talk badly about others, or exclude friends, neighbors or family. Children see what we do, and pay attention to actions more than they listen to messages that do not match our behavior. If we are guilty of providing examples of bad behavior to our children, be aware of it, and take responsibility for this even in front of our children. It is okay for our children to see that we make mistakes, and that we can change our behavior.
Q: If my child is bullying someone, how can I address this with them?

A: If your child is bullying someone, it is important for them to know that you do not approve of it. Your child may be full of excuses and denials that they were not responsible for any bullying. However, this misses the point. You as the parent cannot tolerate any bullying behavior, and you must let your child know that this is unacceptable. Try to create a sense of empathy. Ask your child “If you were the one who was bullied, how would you feel?” This encourages your child to step out of the aggressive role into the shoes of the victim. You should try to let them know that no one deserves to be treated this way. Parents have to try to not be angry when they talk about bullying behavior or they miss a “teachable moment” with their children. Showing your kids that you care about how they treat others, is much more potent than being angry when they misbehave. Try to think about how you would like an adult to speak with you if they were trying to get you to see a behavior that was difficult to understand. Patience, kindness and encouragement go further than criticism.

Q: What if the school contacts me about bullying behavior by child?

A: I am asked this question so often because parents do not know how to respond to a suggestion of bullying about their child from the school. True “bully parents” deny, minimize and rationalize their child’s behavior away, and may attack the school for making an accusation. Of course, these parents may lack empathy themselves. However, if you can listen, be respectful, and hear what the school has to say you have a chance to better the situation. Talk to your child about bullying behavior in a non-threatening way which creates a chance to help your child learn from their behavior and make a change in a positive direction.

Please send in your questions so I can answer them in these upcoming months. I look forward to hearing from you!

Please check my website at www.RespectU.com for my Bullying Speaking Schedule, individual coaching services and other anti-bullying resources that I provide to help you get results with your bully problem. You can email me at Joel@respectu.com with any bully issues you may have.

17Nov/110

Startling Bullying Statistics from Federal Conference

I was recently an invited participant at the 2nd Annual Federal Partners in Bullying Prevention Summit hosted by the Dept. of Education and eight other Federal Agencies.

I learned a lot at the conference and was a part of panel discussion about solutions to bullying in our schools. .

The statistics on bullying reported at the conference were significant. They speak to the horrific consequences bullying can take on our young people. Here are a few of the recently reported statistics reported for students 12-18 in a study of 6500 students. These are results from the 2009 School Crime supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey.

Did you know that 28% of students ages 12-18 reported bullying during the 2008-2009 school year, the most recent time frame for empirical data on bullying?

The good news about the top statistics is that bullying is decreasing during the years kids go through school, a testament to the progress we are making with anti-bullying measures and programs. However, when we look at the types of bullying incidents and the potential for criminality, there are some startling findings:

  • 18.8% of kids surveyed reported being verbally bullied,16.5% were the subject of hurtful rumors,5.7% were bullied by physical means or threatened with harm, 9% were tripped or spit on; and 4.7% were bullied by acute exclusion.
  • 8.9% of students bullied in school also reported being a victim of a crime.
  • 4.1% of students who were bullied reported bringing a gun, knife, or other weapon to school.

Clearly, we have much work to do.

Beyond a first glance at the numbers, what of the emotional consequences of bullying abuse?

A few data-points shout to the alarming consequences of bullying through fear and avoidance.

  • If bullied at school, fear of attack or harm on the way to and from school is experienced by 10.8% of the young people out there.
  • Bullied students reported avoiding a specific place at school at the same rate.

The bottom line is this. Kids who are bullied are more worried about their safety than they are about learning and enjoying school. Bullied kids can drop 1.5 letter grades or more.

We simply have to unite and stand up for the rights of young children to gain an education in an academic environment free from fear.

25Jul/111

Bullying in Schools in America: A Short Progress Report

As a PhD in the field of anti-bullying programs for schools, camps and other organizations for more than 15 years, I'm proud to report that Americans are finally addressing bullying as a social crisis. In the vast majority of schools from coast to coast, we're working on bullying response, intervention, and prevention via important new legislation.

Just ten years ago there were few laws on the books anywhere in our country regarding the deliberate cruelty of bullying in our schools. In the spring of 2011 however, nearly all states have some kind of law regarding protection from bullies. We've come to see bullying as the form of inter-social terror it really is though we have mountains to climb, especially in the large public schools of America's big cities where violence is more prevalent today than ever.

The key point to remember is the issue of rampant bullying has found its way to center stage. Administrators, teachers, parents, students and school districts are working to implement new laws and policies which prevent bullying and help those in authority protect the bullied child. Even President Obama sponsored a bully conference on bullying this year in the White House, putting the issue squarely in the national spotlight.

We've come to understand what happens if we turn away from the tough task of monitoring and dealing with bullies and bullying. We've all read the headlines. From Columbine to Rutgers to Binghamton, the consequences have been central factors in national stories of horrific violence and bully-cide.

There may be no headlines when it happens to your child, but the individual and family repercussions are just as grave. Ask any group of parents about bullying in their own lives and you'll hear how the legacy of these painful memories carries on into the future.

Of course, we all know that bullying is not a problem in our society that ends at high school graduation. The problem is embedded in our culture. But it's a good thing that our first laws about bullying focus on middle and high schools. Our children are the most vulnerable members of the human family. It's the job of our society to protect and cultivate young minds. Anti-bullying legislation is one of our most powerful tools if we can follow it up with consistent action.

We must accept personal responsibility for protecting our youth from bullying.

For as long as I've been in practice, I've been working towards the time when bullying in schools, in whatever form, would be on the defensive. Because of concrete action, bullies are on alert in many places. For adults, either in the home or the workplace, intimidation is against the law. And so it will be, universally, in schools and any organization where our youth thrive, in the near future. This is what I hope for and work diligently towards every day in my practice, in schools, and in summer camps throughout the country.

Though we're now fully engaged in the battle to stamp out bullying violence and intimidation in the hallways of our schools, we have huge obstacles before us. This would not be an honest briefing on the state of the war against bullying not to admit it.

Sometimes it seems as though our culture encourages bullying behavior through the media, reality shows, and even the content of many popular video games. But we must not let the shallow values of the few set the moral compass for the many.

The broken nature of families amidst deep and unending poverty in the big cities is another seemingly insurmountable hurdle in the battle to stop bullying in schools. Where there is violence and bullying in the streets, it will make its way to the school cafeteria. In Philadelphia, for instance, nearly 33% of students in the intercity have suffered from violent bullying or witnessed it firsthand on the playground or in the classroom.

Again, we've only begun to deal with bullying. For the most part, this start is only in those neighborhoods unencumbered by social despair. But we'll fight this war to the end, I believe, and we'll have an impact on bullying in the toughest high schools in the poorest school district if we increase our convictions and put our minds to solving this crisis.

We're also reacting to the explosion in cyber-bullying. A text and social media assault on your child can happen in seconds. With cyber-bullying, it's not a punch in the stomach. It's a blow to the heart and soul. It comes in HD video and high-resolution photos and it arrives with an internet audience of hundreds or even thousands. The bully doesn't have to witness the hurt he or she causes, and it's as easy as the click of a button.

Did you know that 35% of 11 year olds and 72% of 15 year olds in America have mobile phones? What percent of those phones have parental controls in place? You'd be shocked to hear the statistics. Puberty and adolescence is a time of poor judgment and ignorance of consequences. This makes cyber-bullying fertile ground for modern bullies.

However, at this moment, I'm very encouraged. School staff and our lawmakers are working together to save lives because they know the stakes. Laws are being written every day that directly address bullying, cyber-bullying and the rights of the individual no matter a person's age. As I travel around the country as a speaker on bullying in schools, I see real progress on stopping bullies. I would not have thought possible only a few years ago.

Of course we can't eradicate bully behavior completely from all school and camp environments, the home, or the workplace. Human nature is intractable. But what we can do we are doing, state by state, district by school district, and camp by camp.

As a people we have now earned a passing grade when it comes to stopping bullies in our schools and other places children are at risk, with many and more rigorous tests before us.

Dr. Joel Haber is a nationally recognized speaker on the subject of bullying in middle schools, high schools, camps, and other environments where children are at risk. His programs for dealing with bullies are in use across the United States. He's the author of the acclaimed book "Bullyproof Your Child For Life." Dr. Haber has participated in conferences and seminars across the country on how to prevent and deal with bullying in schools, including the President's recent summit on bullying in Washington, D.C.

Dr. Haber's website http://respectu.com/ is a trusted resource for parents, teachers, and administrators when it comes to dealing with bullying and bullies.

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25Jul/111

Welcome to the Bully Blog

Welcome to the Bully Blog.

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